


Chrollo Feeds the Phantom Troupe

by SilverMarten0320



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: #ripUvogin2020, Crack, Food Poisoning, I'm so sorry, Initiation, Other, Rituals, Sausages, chrollo is a dirty boi, dumbassery, hisoka is traumatized, hisoka regrets everything, i wanna die, mukbang but not
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:47:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28066479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverMarten0320/pseuds/SilverMarten0320
Summary: Chrollo makes a hEalTHy BrEAkFasT for the Phantom Troupe. Hisoka joins them for a meal for the first time. It ends up being an unsavory time ;)))))))))
Relationships: Hisoka & Kuroro Lucifer | Chrollo Lucifer, Kuroro Lucifer | Chrollo Lucifer & Pakunoda, Nobunaga Hazama & Uvogin | Ubogin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	Chrollo Feeds the Phantom Troupe

\--

“Hisoka, I believe it is about time to get you truly initiated into the Phantom Troupe.”

Hisoka looked up from where he was perched by the window, down at Chrollo who was staring up at him with a serious expression. The rest of the troupe members had grave expressions on their features, and they were all staring at Hisoka from the sides of their eyes.

Hisoka looked around in confusion, then back to Chrollo, and his distinguishably shiny hair. It was brighter than usual, and slicked back without any hair gel in it.

“I already defeated your fourth member.”

“That is not what I mean.”

From the corner of his eye, Hisoka noticed Shalnark take out a single frying pan from a room, and as if on instinct, Nobunaga solemnly got up and retrieved a 30 pack of sausages.

Kortopi, who had been sleeping in a corner, got up and approached Chrollo with hesitant steps. Without saying a single word, he reached out and tugged the bottom of Chrollo’s leather jacket.

“Soon, Kortopi. Soon, you will eat.”

“Yes, Danchou.”

Nobunaga approached Hisoka with a frown which drew his thin mustache down in a parabola shape. “Boss, are you sure he’s worthy enough to be part of the ritual?” said Nobunaga. “If he wasn’t, I would not have allowed Hisoka to get this far, I assure you.” stated Chrollo.

“You understand what happened last time a troupe member didn’t partake in the ritual, right, Nobunaga?”

Nobunaga felt the familiar ache in his chest at the memory. Uvogin, dead before his time because he refused to partake of the ritual for one day. Shedding a single tear from his left eye, he stiffly nodded in response.

Still standing in front of Hisoka, Nobunaga glared and raised his sword above their heads. Hisoka’s instincts were on edge. He waited with baited breath for the samurai’s next move, practically tensing for the impact of steel to flesh. Until he heard a muffled weeeeeeh like a deflated Waluigi. Nobunaga had not touched a single pink hair on Hisoka’s head. Instead he had deftly sliced through all thirty of the sausages that he still carried in one hand.  
“What the hell are you doing?”

“It is the initiation ritual of the troupe.”

“Well, I suppose eating some random sausage can’t be all that bad. ❤”

Hisoka observed from his seat as Nobunaga took the halved wieners and cubed them. Feitan pulled up his scarf to obscure his sneer and prepared the coal fire and skillet. It all seemed rather domestic for such a bloodthirsty group of killers, until Hisoka witnessed something truly horrifying. Pakunoda was bent over the boss, his face in her chest while she scraped his hair with a butterknife. Pakunoda had several suction cups prepared on a medical tray.

“Danchou your follicles are especially greasy today.”

“Mmm, lucky for our new recruit I suppose. Easy around the hairline as you go, Pakunoda”, sighed Chrollo.

Hisoka had never experienced such undeterred fear in his life, as Pakunoda scraped several cups worth of grease onto the tray, then deeming the largest lumps of grease obliterated, reached for the suction cups. She gently placed the five suction cups on Chrollo’s head all around, then SUCKED removing every possible drop of holy oil from his head. Mouth full of grease, Pakunoda gestured for Kortopi to come close with the auction vase he carried.

“Bleargh”, went Pakunoda as she upchucked the last droplets of oil into the poor receptacle. Kortopi showed no fear or disgust at her actions. Hisoka began to regret joining this coven of madmen, obsessed with grease.  
Any arousal he felt over the idea of fighting Chrollo was snuffed out of existence. It wasn’t worth it. Feitan gathered all the boss’s grease and threw it into his pan, which had warmed up to a suitable temperature during the scraping. It promptly caused a miniature mushroom cloud of fire with an unholy odor emanating from it.

“Shit, they better not do what I think they’re doing.” thought Hisoka.

His fears were duly confirmed as Nobunaga then placed all the sausage pieces into that cursed pan. The meaty smell of the sausage in combination with Chrollo’s grease was an unsavory combination, to say the least.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks arealrowdydirtyboy because they goaded me into this crackfest. Comment below if y'all want a second chapter~


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